Chapter 7 - Nick, Saturday

“This is a staff announcement: all checkout staff to tills please. That’s all checkout staff to tills, thank you”

God I sound camp when I do that! But pathetically the thrill hasn’t worn off yet. And I still have the urge to say things I shouldn’t - how fab would it be to tell the shop that the bloke fondling lemons has a great arse? It’d perk up everyone’s day for sure, even if it’d be the end of my job.

“This is a customer announcement: would the smelly old man who complained about our carrots kindly go fuck himself. Thank you”

If only! A little honesty would be refreshing, there’s too much of this, “how can I help you? Have a nice day!” shit. God I’m grumpy today. I half wish I’d agreed to go clubbing with them all tonight, a big drunken night out would help blow this mood away. I can’t help thinking by the time I’ve spent an evening in with a bottle of wine and the laptop I’ll have turned myself into a crazy person, whereas a little drunken dancing might make me feel better. Perhaps if I see Brenda I’ll have a word with her.

I don’t know why Simon’s so snobby about this job. It pays the bills; I get a good staff discount; and most of the people I work with are nice enough. I don’t spend all day hiding from people like he does or wishing my colleagues were dead. Customers yes, colleagues no. What would I do with a career? It certainly won’t keep me warm at night! Although it has to be said I’ve been keeping myself warm at night a lot lately . I wonder if it’s time to get a cat? It just seems so clichéd, and I hate cliché, and yet somehow I always end up behaving so predictably. Oh good, there’s Brenda!

Excellent! I’m going dancing! Brenda squealed with delight when I told her I’d changed my mind, which made some customers stare, then she gave Ben a bit of a look and he grinned and blushed. I wonder what that was all about? I hope she’s not trying to fix me up, he’s a child! Honestly, I think I’m old enough to be his Dad. I must have a word with her before we go, don’t want there to be any awkwardness later.
What can I wear? It’s not like I have a wardrobe full of clubbing clothes. In fact I can’t remember the last time I danced. Oh yes I can, it was Sammy’s grim wedding where we all ended up walking home because we’d forgotten to book taxis. And someone’s drunken girlfriend fell in a ditch and sprained her ankle. I remember her sobbing about the twigs in her hair and the mud on her face, too pissed to realise she as only standing up because she had one man on either side of her holding her up.
I wonder if people dress up? Or is that just straight clubs? Will I be allowed in without the obligatory tight top? Have I got time to dye my hair blond, lose four stone and turn into a mincing twink? Damn, perhaps I should have stuck with no. I should no better than to make decisions in a bad mood, I just get reckless and do the wrong thing

“This is a staff announcement: would Nick stop being such a twat and chill out. Thank you!”

It’s good to get a break, time for a cup of tea and a biscuit, and more importantly a gossip in the staff room. There’s always new people starting, so there’s a constant stream of new rumours, plus the old and ongoing ones about affairs. And that’s before we even get started on the work stuff! There’s a rumour doing the rounds that Brenda is having an affair with one of the managers, which can’t be true, I’m sure I’d have heard about it from her if it was.
I wish I smoked so I could go and join the others outside, but they’re very protective of their little group and don’t like non-smokers to join them. How come all the people I like smoke? I never bothered to take it up, and yet everyone I know seems to. Although there was those few times at sixth form when we were bored during free periods, and that boy I had a crush on showed me how to make roll ups. It looked so cool when he did it that I could almost forget that it was slowly killing him. I made a right mess of it, I never was very good at that kind of thing, I’m all fingers and thumbs. I seem to think the tobacco fell out it was so loose. Or did it fall apart as soon as I lit it? I failed to impress him anyway, and certainly blew any chances of getting a snog from him. As if, he was straight anyway. God I was sad!

Ooh, we had some excitement! A shoplifter! Not often we get those in here, or if we do we never notice them, which is probably more like it. This one was particularly thick - one bottle of whiskey up each sleeve and another down the front of his trousers. As if no one would notice that! Never mind the security tags on the bottles, or the fact that one bottle dropped out of his sleeve as soon as the alarm went off and he tried to leg it! Still, I’m impressed out security bloke got him - he’s a lazy git, always standing round gossiping to the shoppers, you could walk out with a till and I doubt he’d notice. It was fun to see him run after him - for a big scary bloke he runs awfully like a girl. Me and some of the girls on the checkouts stood at the doors watching, and when he came back all red in the face and flustered we had to make our excuses and leave so he couldn’t see how much we were laughing at him.
Turns out the thief was seventeen, and doing it for a dare, or so he says. Cocky little twat, although it has to be said he looked a lot more sheepish when the police turned up. It was that cool policewoman who always comes in and buys organic dog food and piles of cheap crap for herself. Poor little boy looked like he was going to cry as she led him out, and I think security Brian might actually have snarled at him as he walked past.
Well that certainly brightened up the afternoon. Saturday afternoon’s are so busy, but they’re really dull as well - nothing but families doing a weeks shopping, Mum and Dad with a trolley each, shoving crisps into the kids as they go round to keep them quiet. Anyone with any sense stays well away. You can feel the stress in the air and it rubs off on the staff, and before you know it we’re all getting snappy with each other. Like that rude cow on till three - if she asks me to get her a barcode again without saying please I may have to slam her fingers in the till. There’s no need.

Half an hour to go. I caught up with Brenda and pretended to be sorting out a rota so we could make plans for later. I saw Deputy Sally giving me the evil eye, but I just smiled sweetly and went back to pointing at my clipboard. So we’re meeting at a pub first, sounds like there’s going to be quite a crowd - Ben and Big Ben, Brenda, Amy and her sister, Steve and his funny little mate who never says a word all evening and always ends up pulling the most beautiful girl in the place. And a few others who work days when I’m not in. Should be fun, but I never did decide what to wear. Pity we’re not a bigger store, I could have raided the clothing department for something new. Or is it too tacky to go out with work mates wearing something you’ve all been selling all day? I’m hoping inspiration will strike when I get home. I must remember to grab a bottle of gin before I leave, just to get me started at home. And some food, don’t want to end up starving and scoffing some awful burger made entirely of pet food. Or coming back drunk and eating everything in the house, but uncooked because I’m too pissed to work the oven. I’m really looking forward to it now!