Chapter 14 - Gay Dave, Monday

To: Simon (work)
From: Dave
Subject: Further adventures…
Hi Si :-)
How’s the exciting world of insurance on this dull Monday morning? About as thrilling as accounting I can imagine….
It was good to see you on Saturday, thanks for putting up with my surprise appearance. We must get together soon for a drink, and evening this week good for you?
How was the rest of your weekend? Mine turned out to be unexpectedly fun. I know you like to hear these things, so here goes:
I’m up the gym, trying to work off a hangover, and if I’m being truthful, on the look out for someone to play with. But it was quiet, so by the time I got to the sauna I’d given up all hope and was fully expecting to go home alone. Then this gorgeous bloke comes in! Shaven head, hairy chest - just my type. Straight of course, but needs must and all that. So I just sat there slyly looking at him, waiting for him to make the first move so I didn’t get a punch in the face, and he casually starts chatting. Then he takes his towel off. The he slides over to my side of the sauna for a closer look. Well! Luckily he had a big family so he needed a big car - there’s nothing worse than trying to shag in a small car is there? :-) People carriers are the only way to go! You really should get down the gym more often you know!
Later…
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To: HR
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: PA
Bob,
Any progress with a PA for our department? This sharing with the creative team is just not working out! I’ve got auditors in next week and need reports compiling but Tracey is far too busy getting tea for Mike’s team!
I’m happy to have a meeting to go over any shortlist you might have, but at this stage even a temp would do! Can you sort something out for us before the end of the week?
Cheers,
Dave
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To: Nicky (work); Nicky (home)
From: Dave
Subject: Mum
Hi Sis,
Any thoughts about Mum’s birthday? I’ve been so rushed here I haven’t had time to give it much though. I did mention it to her and she did the old, “don’t waste your money there’s nothing I want” kind of thing. Yeah right. Maybe we should call her bluff and pretend we haven’t got her anything? She how she feels about it then! Anyway, if you have any ideas let me know. I assume you’ll go round fro tea? It’s a Sunday isn’t it.
OK, better get on, send my love to the kids!
Dave XX
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To: Powell, Michael
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: Tracey
Mike!
Any chance your guys to learn to make their own coffee? We’ve got auditors in next week and we’re up to our eyes in reports and stuff. Would be grateful if you could let Tracey spend afternoon’s with us this week. Have chased Bob about it again so hopefully it won’t be for much longer.
Cheers,
Dave
Ps. We never did get together for that game of squash. You scared a youngster will make a fool of you? :-)
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To: Danny D.
From: Dave
Subject: Tonight
Danny!
You up for some fun tonight? I’m having a dull day at work and can’t face another night in chatting to random strangers on Gaydar. Fancy a drink at the Anchor? We could even eat, I’m sure they’ve got a veggie option! Go on, be a mate, otherwise I’ll only be kicking round the house all evening distracting you from you’re yoga!
Peace & what have you….
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To: Arnold, Tracy
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: Creatives
Tracey,
I’ve arranged with Mike for you to spend every afternoon this week with us. As you know we’ve got auditors coming in next week and it would really help things go smoothly it we were fully prepared for them. There’s a pile of reports in your tray that need signing by the Directors, copying and binding. Any chance you can sort that out ASAP?
Hopefully we should get a temp in the very near future so we shouldn’t be troubling you for much longer. Your help is greatly appreciated!
Dave.
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To: Dave
From: Simon (work)
Subject: RE: Further adventures…
You jammy fucker! I spent most of my day babysitting Mum because there was some family thing on that she couldn’t face. If I see another piece of cheap china I swear I’ll scream! You need to stop with the married men though, they’re never gonna leave their wives, and you’re not getting any younger! :-)
No plans all week, so a drink whenever would be could. And yes, insurance is deadly dull today…
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To: Francis, Brian
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: Annual report.
Brian,
The annual report is finished, including the amendments we discussed last week. Thanks for your input.
Tracey will need them signed this afternoon, can you do me a favour and get them back to her ASAP so we can publish them before the auditors get here next week.
Many thanks
Dave
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To: Gilbey, David
From: HR
Subject: RE:PA
Bob Allan is out of the office today and is unable to respond to your email. If the matter is urgent please speak to his PA on extension 329, otherwise it will be dealt with when he returns to the office on Wednesday.
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To: Gilbey, David
From: Powell, Michael
Subject: RE: Tracey
Bad timing mate, we’ve got a big presentation coming up this week as well. It’s all hands up here, none of this sloping off at 5.30 like you number-crunchers! I wish we had time to make our own coffee but we’re up to our eyes in it! Can we settle for two afternoons?
Squash? No chance, I’m home little enough as it is! If I spend anymore time away from the place the kids will forget who I am!
Mike
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To: Dave
From: Danny D
Subject: RE: Tonight
Matey!
Good plan, today has totally gone to shit. Got a puncture on the way to work, so I ended up being late, only to find that we’ve got some inspection that CJ forgot to tell us about. Twat. Honestly, I had to go to my calm place or I’d have told him where to go. So, 5.30? 6? First rounds on you though…
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To: Accounts staff
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: Auditors
Dear all,
As you know we have the auditors in next week.
It’s imperative we get our act together to avoid the fiasco we went through last time. I know it’s been a difficult year with lots of changes of personnel, but these guys are robots and they don’t care about our problems. If those numbers don’t add up we’re for it. It was tricky enough explaining last year’s VAT fine to the board, let’s not get anything else to trouble them with.
So, all leave this week is cancelled, and if anyone can spare some extra time first thing or over lunch it would be greatly appreciated. Unfortunately it looks like Susie won’t be replaced any time soon and Tracey is busy with the Creatives so don’t expect any secretarial support this week.
Any extra efforts will rewarded in the usual way, i.e. no cash but a few drinks one lunch time.
Thanks guys,
Dave
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To: Danny D.
From: Dave
Subject: RE: RE: Tonight
Oh mate, you’re a lifesaver! This place is really driving me mad today! Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything myself. I don’t know why I bother having staff for all the good they are!
Good luck with the inspection, I’m sure everything’s in order knowing you!
Race you to the pub!
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To: Maggie P.
From Dave
Subject: Yo stranger!
Hey Mags, how’s things? It’s been ages, I thought you’d vanished, but Simon said he’d seen you in town so I thought I’d say hi. How’s that gorgeous girlfriend of yours? When’s she gonna let me go on that bike?
Things here are pretty much the same: work is tiresome; Mr Right remains illusive, but his slaggy brother Mr Right Now has been round a few times ;-) Basically I’m bored. Do you think I need a new job? Or a cat? Perhaps you could lend me one of yours for a bit?
Anyway, hope school is OK and the brats aren’t too troublesome. Send my love to Fiona, and give me a ring, we must go out!
XXX
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To: Arnold, Tracy
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: Creatives
Tracy,
Change of plan, Mike can only spare you two afternoons this week. Any chance you could get in early and do some stuff for us? You’ll get your reward in heaven! Although the departmental budget might stretch to some thank you drinks….
Mike
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To: Dave Gilbey
From: Euromillions Lottery
Subject: You’re a winner!
Congratulations Mr Dave Gibley you are a winner! To claim your $13 million dollar prize please click on the link below and follow the instructions. You will need to provide us with your current bank details to enable us to pay you. Don’t delay - the sooner you collect the sooner your life changes for the better!
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To: IT Support
From: Gilbey, David
Subject: FW: You’re a winner!
Guys!
I thought we had software to deal with this crap? How come I’m can’t get internet access to my bloody hotmail account but this kind of crap can fill up my inbox?!
And if any of you can drag yourself away from Doom 3 can you come and fix our scanner? It’ll only do half pages, and only then if you beg!
Cheers
PS. Drinks next door at 1 if you fancy it….
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To: Dave
From: Nicky Brown
Subject: RE: Mum
Oh fuck I completely forgot it’s her birthday! Fuck fuck fuck. Thank god you reminded me, I’ll get the kids to work on a card this weekend.
As for ideas? Have you spoken to Dad, he might have an idea? No of course you haven’t. OK, I’ll have a word. What did we get last year. Perhaps that will inspire us?
And what’s all this “I’ve been so rushed here” crap - Mum tells me you’re always at the bloody gym. Cruising for boys more like you filthy tart! Come to tea this week, the girls would love to see you, and Jacks away on a course so some adult company would be fun!
XXX
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