Chapter 8½ - Brenda, the remix

"My name is Brenda, I am a showgirl"

Except my name isn't Brenda and I work in Tesco. Brenda is just a nickname I appear to have been christened with, and if it wasn't said with such affection I think I'd be insulted. Do I look like a Brenda? Brenda is a middle-aged woman's name surely? I'm a long way from being Brenda! Would a Brenda find herself in a gay club at 3am, dancing on the stage with a load of boys from the checkouts? No, she'd be at home in a face mask, safely tucked up with her dull husband.

It's been a fab night, I haven't danced this much in years, and stopped caring that my feet hurt hours ago. The sweat is pouring down my face, and my arms ache from dancing with them in the air for so long. Yet every time the bass starts thumping I can feel my heart race and I find energy I didn't think I had. I honestly think I could dance forever! My head is empty, all I can feel is my body moving with the music, driven by the music. And I haven't taken anything to help me feel this way. I must have sobered up hours ago. It's just like that Madonna song: "..only when I'm dancing can I feel this free!" Oh dear God, comparing my life to Madonna lyrics? How gay am I?!

Big Ben's cute. Cheeky beggar, but quite shy, so it took me by surprise when I came back from the toilet and spotted him snogging a complete stranger! Good taste though - the other bloke was gorgeous! Haven't seen them together since, which is a pity as they made a good-looking couple. I had hopes that he might get off with Nick, but on the way from the pub nick drunkenly warned me against setting them up. Bless him, he was so pissed and was trying to be serious about it, and all I could do was giggle at him. The more I laughed at him the more he stood there, hands on hips, saying, “Brenda, it’s not funny!” Stupid thing to say to a hysterical drunk woman, so he gave up and we ran down the road arm in arm singing, “we’re off to see the wizard!”

I do hope they don’t call me a fag hag behind my back. It’s not like that - they’re a lovely bunch, but I’ve come for the dancing as much as anything. Most of my girly friends don’t want to dance - they want to go out and chat up blokes, but what could be more dull? It’s a long time since I had this much fun with a strange bloke I met in a pub, I can tell you! Now where’s those boys, I need some company on the dance floor!

“You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!”

Too fucking right I am! Look at me and my boys! We’re loving it! I’ve never seen such happy smiling faces! And we all know the words! I know you’d expect me and Nick to - if you looked you probably find the single in our lofts, but the Bens are only seventeen, they weren’t even born when this was out. Oooh no, wrong thought, that makes me feel hideously old - put that thought out of your head girl, you’re seventeen, you are the dancing queen!

Oh my God, they're playing Kylie, could tonight get any gayer?!