Chapter 18 - Simon, Tuesday

I lost it a bit yesterday.

Of course the news came as no surprise - there’d been rumours of redundancies going round the building for weeks, but then again there had been for about the last seven years and it’d only ever happened once before. Nobody really thought it was going to happen. Yes, we’d been going through a bad patch, but these things often pass as quickly as they came. But apparently not.
After Clive had made his little speech and left the room the rest of us just sat there in silence. Then one of the girls burst into tears and another followed pretty quickly after that. People sat where they were not really knowing what to do. Then it became obvious that no one was going to come back and tell us what to do, so we realised we might as well leave. As I headed for the door one of the boys from the phone room said, “thanks for the warning Simon”, then he muttered under his breath, “wanker”. I thought I’d imagined it at first and stopped briefly in case he said it again. Instead he waved his hand to illustrate what he’d just said, so I turned round and fled. How dare he! What made him think I knew any more than he did? And even if I did why did he think I might tell him? Ok, I know we’re all in shock and want to hit out at something, but did it have to be me?
I got back to the office and was just in shock. Cheeky little fucker had upset me more than the whole redundancy news. I hope he gets it first. And I hope one day someone does the same thing to him so he can see how it feels. Little cunt. Before I realised it there were tears streaming down my face. Fucking hell, I always promised myself I’d never cry at work, it’s not worth it I wiped the tears across my face, in case anybody came past and saw me - although why I even cared what these people thought I’ve no idea. They clearly didn’t like me, so why should I pretend anymore that I can tolerate them?
I had to get out, but the thought of going back to the flat didn’t appeal. Misery loves company? Not really, I just wanted someone to tell me it’d be alright, even if it wouldn’t. I went over the likeliest candidates in my mind, and finally settled on Jim as the best bet - he was the person least likely to have any plans, and the most sympathetic too. We made plans to meet at a local pub, although I was in such a hurry to get away that I got there ages before him.
We spent a couple of hours in the pub - he listened to me complaining about how undervalued I felt, and didn’t even attempt to sidetrack the conversation to talk about him and Maria. We got a bit pissed to be honest as neither of us had eaten, so we got take-away and went back to his. I haven’t been round in ages - I never really liked Maria, so I avoided them a bit when they were a couple, although sometimes it was impossible and I think I went to his last birthday party, which they held in the flat. It looked a lot more like a bachelor pad than I remembered - not much furniture, nothing soft or decorative about it. I guess that kind of stuff and been Maria’s, and clearly she’d taken it with her. Not that bloody cat though. Thankfully he steered clear of me, which is just as well.
I know I outstayed my welcome, but I just didn’t want to go home. John would have been there, and I doubt he’d have had any sympathy. He’d have probably been pissed in front of the TV if as he’d not been working all day, and it would have just been another reminder of how shit my life is right now. But eventually Jim practically threw me out. I don’t blame him, it was far too late and I’d not said anything for ages so I was hardly sparkling company.
Thankfully by the time I got in John had gone to bed, although he’d left me a note to say Mum had phoned three times wondering how I was, or more likely where I was. Oh God I suppose I’ll have to tell her. Must I? She just take it as another thing that’s sent to try her, forgetting immediately that’s it’s actually me who could be out of work soon!

This morning I woke up feeling like shit. I hardly felt like I’d slept and could have done with the rest of the day in bed, but now was not the time to start throwing a sicky! John was banging around the kitchen in what sounded like his pre-work routine, so I pulled the duvet over my head until he left then got ready and headed to work myself.
As soon as I got in the building you could feel something had changed. There was an unusual quietness about the place, but also an unbearable tension. Everyone was being extremely polite, but no one was really saying anything. I headed straight to my office, not bothering to put my head round the phone room door and wish them ‘good morning’. On my desk was a memo - it was a timetable for the discussions with management. Mine’s tomorrow, which means a day and a half of worrying about what to say, but it also means several days of worrying afterwards - there’s no good time for these things I guess. But I can’t wait for it all to be over.
There was also another memo from the management briefing us on how to talk about the whole affair if we were asked about it - under no circumstances are we to use the word ‘redundancy’ - apparently people are being ‘rationalised’ or ‘reassigned’. Yeah right, tell that to the person who suddenly loses their livelihood! I hate that ridiculous corporate speak that uses words you think you know it a way that separates them from any real meaning,. It’s quite a talent, and clearly our management have that talent in spades. Wankers.

Halfway through the morning one of the girls from the phone room knocked on the door with a cup of coffee. They never make me coffee, I prefer everyone to fend for themselves, and I don’t like people doing things for me. So I guessed she wanted a chat, and asked her to sit down. I wanted to find out what the mood was like around the office, but more importantly if anyone else felt I’d behaved badly. By all accounts it sounds like they’re pretty subdued, and when I made the point that it’s been a shock to me as well she said she knew that, she’d seen it from my face. So I felt a bit better - no one likes the thought of being disliked - but under the circumstances not that much better. They’ve all got discussions today, so I guess they’re starting at the bottom and working their way up, although I wonder how far up they’ll go? Not much further than me I guess.

Mum finally tracked me down just before lunch, so I told her what had happened knowing that I had the perfect excuse to stop talking if I had to - work. She made just as much fuss as I’d expected, before launching into a speech about how they’d never let me go, the place would fall apart without me. Hmmm, I don’t think so. And even if I did go I’d easily find something else. Again, I don’t think so. I know it was her job to say this stuff, but it really didn’t help, and part of me wished she’d just said, “well Simon, you’re fucked aren’t you”. Why don’t I have that kind of mother?

On my way to lunch I bumped into Neil, who looked a little shaken. I’m not surprised - as Head of Sales it’s partly his fault we’re in this mess in the first place. And I’d heard that the Sales boys had really kicked off when they had the news broken to them. As we went down the stairs together he invited me to go for a drink, something he wouldn’t normally do in a million years, and for a brief moment I almost felt sorry enough for him to say yes. But then I remembered how much his posse made my life a misery and made my excuses and left.
I couldn’t work out what to do, I certainly wasn’t feeling hungry - I’d only left the office to get away from the oppressive atmosphere. So I ended up wandering down towards the shops. It seemed stupid to buy anything with the future looking so uncertain. Yes, I knew I’d get a decent pay off, but who knew how long that would have to last me? So I window-shopped a bit, which always bores me. I toyed with the idea of stealing something, but those kind of places are always littered with CCTV and you can’t move without someone watching you.
Then just as I was about to head back for work I popped into the toilet for a pee. As I stood there having I pee I noticed the bloke beside me was behaving a bit oddly. In fact he hadn’t been beside me before, he’d moved nearer. And he was peering at my cock and waving his. Oh God, that’s all I needed, someone cottaging in their lunch break and hitting on me. Was I giving off some invisible gay signal? Or is he just so desperate he’ll try anybody? But what do you do? I don’t know the etiquette for these kind of situations. Should I politely decline? In the end I just finished peeing, did my zip up and headed for the sinks, and as I did I distinctly heard the bloke say, “suit yourself love, didn’t fancy yours much anyway.” God, everyone’s got it in for me lately!